Parenting with a long-term focus rests on our ability to strategically increase desirable behaviors while reducing undesirable ones. Our next few articles will focus on how parents can take greater control of the learning process. The key is to remember that learning is always taking place. Every interchange and choice teaches a lesson. When we are in survival mode, it is difficult to focus on the big picture and think about the lessons that are being learned. In order to be purposeful about “training up” our children, we have to be able to recognize the learning that is taking place and do our best to ensure that the right lessons are being learned.
Bruce Powers
Let's start our discussion with the concept of reinforcement. You have most likely heard this term, but it is crucial that parents fully understand how it works. Reinforcements are consequences that encourage the repetition of a behavior. Rewards are one kind of reinforcement, but keep in mind that almost anything can serve as a reinforcer. The test is simple—does the recipient find the consequence to be gratifying in some way? If we make a choice or engage in some behavior, and the outcome is satisfying for us, we are more likely to do the same thing again.
By the same token, behaviors that do not result in positive outcomes are less likely to be repeated. It doesn't even have to be “bad” as long as the reinforcement is not present (we will talk about punishment later). Did your parents ever tell you to ignore someone who was teasing or bothering you? Whether they knew it or not, they were telling you to avoid reinforcing the other person. If someone is teasing you, they are trying to make you upset, so when that happens they are reinforced. Ignoring the teaser prevents them from getting the satisfying outcome they sought, and the teasing decreases. Similarly, you have probably had a job in which the “rewards” were meager. Think how quickly your motivation decreased when the reinforcement (mostly the paycheck, but also interactions with coworkers and bosses) was lacking.
This leads us to a very important lesson: any ongoing behavior is supported by some form of reinforcement. It may not be obvious or even external, but it is always there. It is our nature to do the things that result in satisfying outcomes, and to stop doing things that don't result in some form of payoff. So any time you see a behavior in yourself or your child that is undesirable, your first question should be, “What's the payoff?” Upon examination, many parents realize that they have been unwittingly supporting undesirable behaviors in their children! Removing the supporting reinforcements will reduce and eventually eliminate the behavior. This is called extinction. You can probably think of several behaviors off the top of your head that need to go the way of the dinosaurs. In our next article, we will discuss ways to avoid unintentional reinforcement and effectively apply the technique of extinction.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected] . Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board's emerging leaders team.