In my last article I gave some examples regarding efforts to teach positive behaviors to children. We can’t focus all of our energy on preventing “bad” behavior and forget to nurture the good. Have you thought about the things you want to encourage in your children? Do you make it a point to reinforce them for good decisions?
Bruce Small
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When we see our children making great choices, it’s a big deal. When there is spontaneous sharing, kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, or peacemaking, it is cause for celebration. The witness points out the great behavior, provides hugs and encouragement, and then at the next opportunity shares the excitement. This is cheap and easy, and children simply glow with pride.
As is typical with siblings, our girls bicker over who gets to go first, who gets to choose what to watch, and so on. We spent lots of time talking about making peace and compromise and working together. Then one night we hear, “Why don’t we watch your show first, and then we can watch my show.” It was time to make a big deal. We high-fived and danced around and hugged and praised, and both girls got some extra television time that night. After that, she was quick to do the same when there were differences in opinion, and prides herself on being a peacemaker.
On the flip side, our children have learned that if they can’t figure out how to get along, mom and dad will provide an unappetizing solution. Arguing over the television? Obviously the source of trouble needs to be removed. Both want something? Point of argument is confiscated. We make sure that talking things out always comes out good and arguing always comes out bad.
It was a hard lesson to learn, but now we only need to ask, “Are you having trouble getting along?” and all of a sudden the fighting turns into “Give me a hug!”
I would like to offer one other idea for cultivating virtues in children. Take them to visit people in nursing homes. This is a win-win-win situation. It can be a great experience for the child, great for you, great for the people you visit; but as a bonus your child gets to see you embodying the gospel and be a part of it.
After much discussion and preparation, I took my four- year-old for her first visit. She was hesitant, but did fine. (She was mostly curious about why everyone walked so slowly). We talked a lot about how happy she made people.
A few weeks later, she asked if she could go back. This time she waved to people in the halls, gave hugs all around, held hands, and showed off her freshly painted fingernails. Mommy got a blow-by-blow recap at supper and added her praise to mine.
I can’t think of any downside to skipping a little television time and finding the pleasure of bringing joy to others. That’s a lesson worth teaching.
Bruce Powers, whose column appears monthly, is pastor of Westhaven Baptist Church in Portsmouth. Contact him at [email protected]. Other parenting resources are available from Diane Smith ([email protected]) of the Virginia Baptist Mission Board’s emerging leaders team.