Welcome back from our trip to Bizarro World. Hopefully our tongue-in-cheek discussion of Bizarro parenting helped us all to see the unintended consequences of many parenting decisions. Now I’d like for us to return our focus to building virtues. Don’t forget that many children think “being good” means only staying out of trouble. “Goodness” must be an active, purposeful thing, not the absence of “badness.” So here are some ideas for raising virtuous children.
Bruce Small
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If you have more than one child, you know that parenting becomes more difficult, but opportunities for learning are also more abundant. When children disagree, it is far easier to step in and dictate the outcome, but then your children learn to make their case to you instead of dealing with the issue. For example, your children each want to watch a different television show. You could send them to different rooms to watch separately, or establish a schedule so that they alternate choosing, but then you miss the opportunity. I make my kids figure it out. Negotiating with others and realizing that your desires must be balanced with the desires of others are crucial skills. In real life, you rarely win by refusing to negotiate. If my kids can’t work out their differences, then either the television is turned off or I pick a show that neither asked for.
We also work hard on responsibility in our house. This is a difficult virtue to instill but I can’t overstate its importance. If you want your children to someday move out of your house, then better to start early. Even young children can have jobs. Our girls sweep the kitchen, load and unload the dishwasher, and clean the den, in addition to caring for their own rooms. They also assist with other jobs around the house. The key is getting them to do these things with a positive attitude and without someone looking over their shoulder and directing every move. Verbal praise and access to privileges serve as great reinforcers, but additional nudges are usually needed. Just like in the real world, failure to complete jobs results in losing something, and taking care of business results in good things. For us, the magic bullet was the Dollar Store. We gave each child $1.05 and told them they could pick whatever they wanted because they had been so responsible that week. Now they even do tasks that weren’t assigned because they made the connection between responsibility and reward. I will cry when the Dollar Store loses its appeal — I’m told older kids desire slightly more expensive things.
I have barely skimmed the surface in this article, but hopefully you get the idea — look for chances to develop positive behaviors. It’s always more work than just keeping them out of trouble (for you and for them), but worthwhile goals tend to be that way. You want your children to learn the rewards of doing life right, and along the way you can enjoy the rewards of doing parenting right.