First off, let me say how honored I am to finally be your candidate. Truthfully, I’ve been eyeing this position for years.
In fact, my lifelong goal has been to become your pastor. As Paul says, “I’ve kept my eye on the prize.” [laughs while smiling robotically]
I’m thrilled to have the chance to break through the 2,000-year-old glass ceiling in ministry, and become the first woman pastor! This will be important for all women and girls everywhere, to know … I’m sorry, did you say there are already women pastors? [disappointedly] Oh. I thought I would be the first one.
As a lifelong Methodist, why apply at a Baptist church? Two words — situational ethics. [in a calculated voice] My positions on many things have, naturally, shifted over the years. As your pastor, I’ll put my finger in the air on every major issue facing the church.
I particularly like the opinions of people who give me money. If I’m your pastor, you should know that the biggest donors to the church (and those who paid my reimbursable expense account) will control the vision of the congregation. Yes, I understand that you would like the Holy Spirit’s vision, but let’s be honest — does the Holy Spirit pay the bills around here?
My greatest strength as a pastor? Well, that’s easy — my experience! Not only has my husband been the pastor of this church before [search committee members murmur] … yes, I know that while he was pastor he was caught fooling around with an intern in the church office, but I feel that should have no bearing on this interview.
[Bill speaks up] I did not have …
[Hillary interrupting] Shut up, Bill.
As I was saying, my experience has prepared me for this position.
My greatest weakness?
That’s always a tough question. I would say one potential weakness is that many people find me completely untrustworthy. Another pastor actually calls me “crooked Hillary” at our denominational meetings.
Is he right? Well, I never like to resort to name calling.
How do I handle conflict? I was at a contentious business meeting one time where it came to light that a few of us leaders were making strategic decisions behind everyone else’s back. (I think the Russian Orthodox priest tipped them off. Can you believe it?)
People actually booed me in the meeting, so I changed our church’s motto to “We’re Stronger Together!” and even passed out little signs to people as a reminder. Nothing builds a feigned sense of unity and trust better than an empty slogan.
Now, I’ve already bribed a number of your church’s key leaders to vote for me by promising them extra money for their pet ministries in next year’s budget, but if you are worried that my being your pastor might make a mockery of your congregational polity, don’t worry — I can always print more signs.
Yes, I feel I bring lots of experience to the table in terms of technology in ministry. In a prior job I even set up my own home-based email server. There was that time I accidentally emailed the entire church my confidential notes from a few marriage counseling sessions, but that shouldn’t impact your feelings about confiding in me as a pastor. I’m very trustworthy.
Lots of people raised a stink about it, but in all honesty, I’m tired of talking about my emails. Can we please talk about something else? [orders more signs on Blackberry]
How would my friends describe me? Do you mean the people that pretend to be my friends because they want something from me, or the people who I pretend to be friends with because I want something from them? Making real friends is so hard as a pastor.
Staff relations? Well, one of the ways I use my staff is to blow off steam. From time to time I scream obscenities and make impossible demands of them. [laughing to self] I remember one time I even threw a Bible at the back of a staff member’s head.
Staff diversity? I’m definitely in favor of it. That’s exactly why I would bring on a white male as associate pastor. I always like to assure people I’ll provide continuity with the past while simultaneously promising change.
(Part two of a two-part exercise in satire. Part one included excerpts from Donald Trump’s interview with the same search committee.)