Recently, I heard a radio news story about how people are turning to artificial intelligence to write obituaries for their loved ones when they pass. And I thought to myself, “Writing an obituary isn’t that hard; why do people need AI to do it for them?”
That’s straight out of the brain of someone who writes for a living. So of course it looks easy to me. Yet for most people, writing an obituary is a daunting and nerve-wracking task. And yes, I’ve confirmed with some of my funeral director friends that even they are now using AI tools to write obituaries for those in their care. It saves them a lot of time.
Mark Wingfield
That’s not as sinister as it may sound on first hearing. Today’s AI writing tools collect important information through prompts such as “What was the deceased’s date of birth?” or “Where did the deceased work?”
What the AI tools offer is a comprehensive list of prompts and the skill to weave the answers together smoothly in prose. Again, something the average person fears they cannot do.
What the AI tools lack is heart. They don’t have the ability to convey the soul of a person, the nuances of a life, the quirks that made someone beloved.
So if you’re suddenly tasked with writing an obituary, here are some tips on how to do it yourself, old school.
Think of an obituary as having five movements.
Name and dates: “Sally Jane Smith was born October 4, 1945, in Tucson, Arizona, and died April 3, 2026, in Los Angeles.” This is essential information in any obituary and should be way at the top. If not the first sentence, it ought to be the second.
If you’re going to list a cause of death, this is the place to do so: “Sally fought a courageous three-year battle against lung cancer.”
“Think of an obituary as having five movements.”
Significant life accomplishments: In other words, what will this person most be remembered for? That could be anything from “Sally was a loving mother and wife who was known for her coconut cake” to “Sally was the first woman elected to the City Council.”
Whatever you write here, be as specific as possible. Give details. Name places. Don’t just say she loved to bake; tell us what she is most remembered for baking. Don’t just say she loved to have the family over for Thanksgiving; tell us about her famous pineapple upside down cake. I recently officiated a funeral for a woman who loved avocadoes. That detail tells a story.
Tell us where the deceased worked, what they did there and why it mattered. For example, “Sally worked 30 years as a teller at First National Bank, where she knew every customer by name and greeted children with a jar of candy kept behind the safety glass window.”
Biography: Tell us where the deceased was born and lived and died. Tell us where they went to school and what groups they were a part of. Tell us about any accolades. For example, “Sally won three blue ribbons for her jams and jellies at the State Fair.” Or “Sally was president of her senior class in high school and across her adult life kept in touch with classmates through reunions and letters and phone calls.” Or something like this: “Sally earned a degree in jet propulsion when she was the only female in her university classes.”
As a funeral officiant, I am shocked at the number of people who lived long lives and never joined any group or developed any hobbies. Search for anything relevant here, including church memberships, social clubs, school organizations, work networks, sports leagues, Mahjong groups, whatever. Details matter and tell a more complete story.
Family: Traditionally, family details come near the end of an obituary unless there has been some extenuating circumstance that needs to be mentioned earlier. This is the place to tell us, “Sally married the love of her life, Freddy James Smith, in 1965 after meeting him at the VFW Hall. In time, they had three children — Frank, June and Joe.”
It is important here to list all living and predeceased members of the immediate family. Typically, those who already are gone are listed first: “Sally was preceded in death by her father, John Jacob Schmidt, and mother, Marion Wilson Schmidt, and sister, Joan Schmidt.”
“Writing an obituary can be a joyous task because it is something productive to do in a time of grief.”
Then go on to list the survivors: “Sally is survived by her three children — Frank Smith of Fayetteville, Ark., and his husband, Bill; June Smith Wright of Oklahoma City and her husband, William; and Joe Smith of Tulsa. She also is survived by five grandchildren … .“
Traditionally, the names of grandchildren are cited but the names of great-grandchildren are not detailed. That choice is up to you. Remember also to include the names of siblings of the deceased but not typically aunts, uncles and cousins.
Arrangements: Finally, tell us about any planned visitation, funeral or memorial service. This is typically the next-to-last item in an obituary, followed only by any suggested places to make memorial gifts.
Here’s an example: “The family will greet friends at a visitation Thursday evening, April 10, at Fisher and Sons Funeral Home in Los Angeles, followed by a funeral service Friday, April 11, at 11 a.m. at Victory in Jesus Baptist Church.”
If there’s to be a graveside service open to anyone, add that information. If it’s a cremation and there is no planned inurnment, just don’t say anything.
The very last sentence of an obituary should list any suggested places for memorial gifts, often stated as being “in lieu of flowers.” For example, “Memorial gifts in Sally’s name may be given to the Garden Fund at Hickory Hollow School.”
Certainly there are places for other flourishes in any obituary, but these are the basics. Writing an obituary can be a joyous task because it is something productive to do in a time of grief. In every family, there’s someone who has a knack for writing and who needs an assignment after a loved one dies. Enlist that person and give them this checklist.
And skip the fee for an online AI service. You’re going to spend plenty on everything else.
Mark Wingfield serves as executive director and publisher of Baptist News Global. He also officiates funerals several times a month, often for people he’s never met when a family needs a minister.
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