Baptist News Global
Sections
  • News
  • Analysis
  • Opinion
  • Curated
  • Storytelling
    • Faith & Justice >
      • Charleston: Metanoia with Bill Stanfield
      • Charlotte: QC Family Tree with Greg and Helms Jarrell
      • Little Rock: Judge Wendell Griffen
      • North Carolina: Conetoe
    • Welcoming the Stranger >
      • Lost Boys of Sudan: St. John’s Baptist Charlotte
      • Awakening to Immigrant Justice: Myers Park Baptist Church
      • Hospitality on the corner: Gaston Christian Center
    • Signature Ministries >
      • Jake Hall: Gospel Gothic, Music and Radio
    • Singing Our Faith >
      • Hymns for a Lifetime: Ken Wilson and Knollwood Baptist Church
      • Norfolk Street Choir
    • Resilient Rural America >
      • Alabama: Perry County
      • Texas: Hidalgo County
      • Arkansas Delta
      • Southeast Kentucky
  • More
    • Contact
    • About
    • Donate
    • Associated Baptist Press Foundation
    • Planned Giving
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Advertising
    • Ministry Jobs and More
    • Transitions
    • Subscribe
    • Submissions and Permissions
Donate Subscribe
Search Search this site

It floats (or what it’s like being on Satan’s payroll)

OpinionEric Minton  |  September 13, 2013

Whenever I’m asked to describe my job as a professional Christian, I usually stammer something along the lines of:

“I talk about God for a living.” 

Or, if I’m feeling especially cynical:

“It’s mostly marketing, some plagiarism, and a bit of light custodial work. Honestly, all you really need to be a pastor is the ability to lift 40 lbs., internet access, and a pair of loose-fitting dress pants.” 

Often, when questions about the vocational realities of my work bubble up, I find I’m soon reminded of the first time I ever “rocked the mic” as a respected (read: “paid for”) Christian speaker in front of a large group of people with whom I had no previous relationship.

As a way of setting the scene, let me introduce you to 2 key players for opening night of Eric Minton, professional Christian-Camp speaker:

Headset Microphone: ill-fitting, poorly wired, and consistently sending odd popping and hissing noises throughout the auditorium as the flesh-colored arm of the microphone scrapes itself repeatedly against my beard.

Auditorium: To even use the term “auditorium” is a bit of a misnomer, as the area wasn’t so much a salon-style gathering space for the exhibition of music, art, and the free-exchange of ideas, as it was a converted gymnasium/cafeteria/kitchen/craft-center/bathroom, which the camp staff almost immediately began referring to as either the worshipteria or the cafetorium, depending of course upon mood, weather, and who was asking.

Now that you’re familiar with the context for what can only (thanks to the harsh light of history) be described as a no-win situation, it’s important to address the only question left standing:

“How is it that people choose to voluntarily read this over, say, a HuffPo article on the science behind one’s ability to keep up with the Kardashians?”

The human heart is a limitless well of mystery, and by “human heart” I definitely mean “browser history.”

However, I was prepared to answer this question:

“So, how’d it go?”

Mostly because I read magazines and the backs of bestsellers for free at Barnes & Noble, I’ve discovered a common practice for people in the book hyping biz is to display powerful testimonials from those who’ve been impacted by the product or experience being sold.

In that vein, I’ve included several noteworthy comments below:

“I never knew God was so big?”

-Student, age 13

“You’re funny, and also very weird.”

-Student, age 16

“Did you study Hebrew in seminary?”

-College student, age 21

“Where’s the bathroom?”

-Student, age 12

“Hiss!”

-Feral cat roaming the campground, age unknown

Luckily, those were just the exit polls, I’d have to wait until the next morning for the truly good stuff:

“I’ve never heard a camp sermon where the speaker didn’t give an altar call. You should be ashamed of yourself. Kids are ready to make decisions and you didn’t give them a chance to do it, and not only that, I’m not even sure you mentioned Jesus one time! What are you trying to pull here?”

-Confused Adult, age 45

“I don’t know where you go to school or what you want to be, but it can’t be a Christian seminary, because no self respecting pastor would ever talk about God like that.”

-Red-Faced Adult, age 60

“We’ve been taking our students up here for 15 years, and you’re easily the worst speaker we’ve ever heard. If this weren’t the last year for our camp, we definitely wouldn’t be back.”

-Exasperated Adult, age 35

The Big Finish:

“I need to be honest with you and tell you the truth, because as Christians we’re always supposed to speak the truth, so, uhhh…what’s your name? (I’m not comedically embellishing, this part is 100% true) you’re a heretic, a false prophet, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and a tool of Satan. You’re leading kids astray with your liberalism, and I can’t believe that any Christian organization would allow you to present yourself as a pastor. I know for a fact, you’ll never be invited back to this camp or even to this state, and if I had my druthers (also, this is a real word) you would have been removed from here the moment you stopped speaking last night.”

-Goateed Adult, age 40

Good News: The adults in charge of the camp met together before verbally disemboweling me, and luckily decided not to bind me hand and foot, in order to throw me into the river as a way of discerning whether or not I was a witch. If you’re keeping score: Eric: 1, Death: 0

Bad News: I still had 2 more evenings as the headlining heretic in the worshipteria, which at this point took on the distinct feel of a Roman colosseum filled with angry audience members turning their thumbs down in murderous unison.

So the next night, as my mic popped, hissed, and limped its way through yet another sermon, I had the distinct pleasure of watching several grown adults scoff, answer their phones, and even turn their backs to me (a shunning technique I would later repurpose to discipline my dog) throughout the evening. Afterwards, a couple even went so far as to inform me that they would be spending the rest of the summer correcting all of the poisonous half-truths I had been discussing with their students over our week together.

Which brought a few things to the front of my then 24 year old mind:

-I should have been a lawyer, they’re more well-liked and get to carry briefcases.

-This must be what it feels like to be an AC/DC record played backwards. Also, it’s weird and surprisingly less-than-lucrative being the mouthpiece of Satan (in the movies people get cars, and suits, and incredible apartments: so far I’ve gotten a plane ticket to the middle of nowhere, a Frankenstein pitchfork + torch welcome party, and a $20 food per diem.)

-In the future, whenever I find myself in the throws of a heated argument involving the cosmic destruction and character assassination of people I barely know, I should always finish with: “Now remember, I say all of this because I love you and so does God.” It really does help to know that God agrees with and happily condones the verbal pantsing you’ve just received in a furrowed brow “this hurts me more than it does you” sort of way.

THANKS BE TO GOD!

-I’ve never been kicked out of an entire state before: how long do I have until my picture is posted in the surrounding airports and bus terminals? Should I dye my hair and shave my beard? Should my full name or just my last name be changed? I don’t have any usable skills to start a new life on the run because I DECIDED TO GET A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE!

Writing this down almost 4 years later still stirs up all sorts of things in my now 28 year old mind:

-I should have been a traffic cop, they’re more well liked and have better pensions.

-I’m still waiting on the Satanic royalties from that week to come rolling in.

-I haven’t been back to that state, but I desperately want to because the skiing is quite good

-The fact that I (or any of us for that matter) still believe in God these days is a truly miraculous thing.

I mention this last point not as a way of rallying my progressive brothers and sisters to pick up arms and join me in the fight against televangelical big hair and even bigger polemics, but to remind all of us that the only thing we have to point towards when discussing the reality of the divine are our own broken, dusty, and sometimes barely-there stories of redemption, pain, loss, and joy.

Put another way: All we have is each other, so for God’s sake, go easy. 

In light of this truth, if the only response to criticism and slander I can muster is to utilize more of the same, I’m destined to endlessly perpetuate a (somewhat) hipper, more sarcastic, self-deprecating, and ironic version of what I experienced 4 years ago at the hands of some severely non-ironic mustachioed youth ministers.

(Serious mustaches = Serious people)

Instead, thanks to good books, better friends and family, the rise of indie folk, and lots of coffee, I’ve discovered that the only way to maintain the few shreds of faith that manage to cling to me like pug hair on my work pants after lunch, is surprisingly not through the destruction, ridicule, and articulate evisceration of those who wish ill on me for things I think about stuff none of us know for sure…

but in the radical embrace of the very things they use to condemn and malign me.

I might be wrong.

I might be leading folks astray.

I might be misguided.

I might be misrepresenting God.

I might not have the market cornered on truth.

I might even have unresolved baggage that soaks the very things I say and think to the bone with cynicism.

You might be right about me…BE AFRAID!!!

And, not only that, but if you need something to cast-out, something to reject, something that can represent all of the pent-up anger, frustration, unknowing, pain, and doubt you have within you but are unable (or unwilling) to verbalize about god, your life, your family, and the world…

you can use me.

you can condemn me.

you can “pray” for me.

and

you can sacrifice me.

My friends outside your faith have been beaten and shamed enough, leave ‘em alone,

I can take it.

However, a warning: you better do your worst, because when you go down to the tomb where they’ve laid the bodies of so many of us sacrificed in the name of God to ensure that the job is done, you may discover it empty. Revealing finally both to you and to me, that the stuff humming inside of us, the stuff holding this world (despite our best efforts to the contrary) together, the stuff that calls us time and again back to the mystery and beauty of human existence,

what the first Christian pastor Paul termed, “love,”

refuses to die no matter how many times you try to put it down.

Because, like a witch, that stuff floats. 

And in the wake of our surprisingly buoyant discovery, may we all come to the same quiet conclusions as those women who happened upon the empty tomb of Jesus in Mark’s version of the resurrection story: silence and amazement.

Realizing, despite prevailing opinion to the contrary, that no matter how inadequately we’ve described, treated, believed, or understood God, we haven’t been able to silence the divine voice, even when we nail it to a tree.

Oh, and a final word about more words yet to come: 

If you think my silence or fidelity to your beliefs can be wrought through scaring, intimidating, shaming, or embarrassing me I’ve got one more resurrection-level surprise for you:

I’m just getting warmed up friends.

Blessings,

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • More
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Telegram (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on WhatsApp (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Skype (Opens in new window)

OPINION: Views expressed in Baptist News Global columns and commentaries are solely those of the authors.
Tags:LoveChristian CampsResurrectionenemiescriticismProfessional ChristianityInspirationMinistryBlog PostspreachingYoung BaptistsleadershipGenerational DifferencesworshipHealth & WholenessFaithful LivingConservativesHumorPaulGriefprogressives
More by
Eric Minton
  • Get BNG headlines in your inbox

  • Featured

    • Three billboards outside Nashville, Tennessee

      News

    • Why this seminary professor’s view of MrBeast and his friend is deadly and dangerous

      Opinion

    • Shurden Lecture takes on the ‘myth of American chosenness’

      News

    • What happens when Tom Ascol finds Ted Cruz to be too liberal and quotes Leviticus 20:13?

      News


    Curated

    • In Pittsburgh synagogue shooting trial, Jewish rituals feature as prominently as the carnage of the day

      In Pittsburgh synagogue shooting trial, Jewish rituals feature as prominently as the carnage of the day

    • Manipur Christians: ‘The Violence Has Shattered Us’

      Manipur Christians: ‘The Violence Has Shattered Us’

    • Pride flag glimpsed on ‘The Chosen’ set prompts call for boycott

      Pride flag glimpsed on ‘The Chosen’ set prompts call for boycott

    • Why Chick-fil-A Is Drawing Fire Over a ‘Culture of Belonging’

      Why Chick-fil-A Is Drawing Fire Over a ‘Culture of Belonging’

    Read Next:

    A primer on why Southern Baptists are fighting over women in ministry once again

    AnalysisMark Wingfield

    More Articles

    • All
    • News
    • Opinion
    • Curated
    • Here’s a guide to understanding the latest report from Southwestern’s trustees

      AnalysisMark Wingfield

    • Is Rick Warren reviving the fight against the fundamentalist takeover of the SBC?

      OpinionMeredith Stone

    • An open letter to all Southern Baptists

      OpinionRick Warren

    • Shurden Lecture takes on the ‘myth of American chosenness’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • An open letter to Elijah Brown, Baptist World Alliance CEO

      OpinionRichard Wilson

    • Why this seminary professor’s view of MrBeast and his friend is deadly and dangerous

      OpinionMark Wingfield

    • What happens when Tom Ascol finds Ted Cruz to be too liberal and quotes Leviticus 20:13?

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Three billboards outside Nashville, Tennessee

      NewsRick Pidcock

    • What I learned from Taylor Swift

      OpinionBill Wilson

    • Remembering Pulse nighclub and the power of affirmation

      OpinionMaina Mwaura

    • A primer on why Southern Baptists are fighting over women in ministry once again

      AnalysisMark Wingfield

    • Baptist Children’s Homes of North Carolina loses president and board chair in same week

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Faith-based immigration advocates hopeful about new bill in Congress

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Coalition urges White House not to overlook Black immigrants

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Working and waiting with people and plants

      OpinionBob Newell

    • Gay Christian man says he was kicked off BWA commissions

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Let’s reclaim the real Baptist identity

      OpinionJustin L. Addington

    • Southwestern trustees affirm their leadership and repudiate two trustees who raised alarms

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • How to fix anemic U.S. rural health care? Learn from Africa and look to the churches, Birx says

      NewsElizabeth Souder

    • To the mother who complained about Amanda Gorman’s poem

      OpinionRobert P. Sellers

    • Medical professionals address myths and misconceptions about transgender kids

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Focus on the Family affiliate is the unifying force behind campaign to restrict transgender rights

      AnalysisSteve Rabey

    • Opal Lee may be the ‘Grandmother of Juneteenth,’ but she’s not done working for justice yet

      NewsMallory Challis

    • Rising from the ashes: God’s empowering message for displaced women

      OpinionRosaly Guzman

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • Shurden Lecture takes on the ‘myth of American chosenness’

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • What happens when Tom Ascol finds Ted Cruz to be too liberal and quotes Leviticus 20:13?

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Three billboards outside Nashville, Tennessee

      NewsRick Pidcock

    • Baptist Children’s Homes of North Carolina loses president and board chair in same week

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Faith-based immigration advocates hopeful about new bill in Congress

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Coalition urges White House not to overlook Black immigrants

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Gay Christian man says he was kicked off BWA commissions

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Southwestern trustees affirm their leadership and repudiate two trustees who raised alarms

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • How to fix anemic U.S. rural health care? Learn from Africa and look to the churches, Birx says

      NewsElizabeth Souder

    • Medical professionals address myths and misconceptions about transgender kids

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Opal Lee may be the ‘Grandmother of Juneteenth,’ but she’s not done working for justice yet

      NewsMallory Challis

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • U.S. Department of Education issues guidance on religious expression in schools

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Ten Commandments bill dies in Texas Legislature

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Leader of Assemblies of God student group at Baylor arrested on child sexual abuse charges

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • BJC and Interfaith Alliance applaud first-ever national strategy to counter antisemitism

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • New documentary series shows how churches that close can keep ministry open

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Southwestern Seminary trustees called to special meeting next Tuesday

      NewsMark Wingfield

    • Transitions for the week of 5-26-23

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • 8-year-old’s death in CBP custody highlights Biden’s ‘system of death,’ immigration advocates say

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Evangelical worldview ministries seek to promote ‘proper’ thoughts, beliefs and actions

      NewsSteve Rabey

    • Here’s another angle to corporate DEI work: Increased support for ‘faith friendly’ workplaces

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Amid Sudan war and elsewhere, water scarcity threatens lives

      NewsAnthony Akaeze

    • Ministry jobs and more

      NewsBarbara Francis

    • Gap widens on American confidence in vaccines

      NewsJeff Brumley

    • Is Rick Warren reviving the fight against the fundamentalist takeover of the SBC?

      OpinionMeredith Stone

    • An open letter to all Southern Baptists

      OpinionRick Warren

    • An open letter to Elijah Brown, Baptist World Alliance CEO

      OpinionRichard Wilson

    • Why this seminary professor’s view of MrBeast and his friend is deadly and dangerous

      OpinionMark Wingfield

    • What I learned from Taylor Swift

      OpinionBill Wilson

    • Remembering Pulse nighclub and the power of affirmation

      OpinionMaina Mwaura

    • Working and waiting with people and plants

      OpinionBob Newell

    • Let’s reclaim the real Baptist identity

      OpinionJustin L. Addington

    • To the mother who complained about Amanda Gorman’s poem

      OpinionRobert P. Sellers

    • Rising from the ashes: God’s empowering message for displaced women

      OpinionRosaly Guzman

    • How the Progressive National Baptist Convention plans to put faith into action

      OpinionDarryl Gray

    • Believe me: The struggle of Black pain

      OpinionZachary Barber

    • They’ll know we are Christians by our what?

      OpinionBill Leonard, Senior Columnist

    • How to celebrate Pentecost without balloons, plastic doves or salsa

      OpinionJack Levison

    • The generational pain and hope of the Southern Baptist witch trials

      OpinionWill Raybon

    • Why demographic shifts haven’t yet swamped the Republican Party

      OpinionRobert P. Jones

    • Tina Turner kept the divine flame burning

      OpinionJustin Cox

    • Remembering Bob Seymour: Being wise as serpents and harmless as doves

      OpinionCurtis Freeman

    • Here’s why Ron DeSantis has gone to war with Disney

      OpinionRodney Kennedy

    • Yes, Tim Scott is a Black man, but he’s still promoting Christian nationalism

      OpinionRick Pidcock

    • Why ‘affirming’ churches need to speak up

      OpinionSusan M. Shaw, Senior Columnist

    • Five things Southern Baptists should do now to address clergy sex abuse

      OpinionChrista Brown and David Clohessy

    • Why we must be cautious about understanding what’s going on at Southwestern Seminary

      OpinionMark Wingfield

    • On graduation and the priesthood of all believers

      OpinionVal Fisk

    • Here’s how to force SBC entities to be accountable to people in the pew about their finances

      OpinionMark Wingfield

    • In Pittsburgh synagogue shooting trial, Jewish rituals feature as prominently as the carnage of the day

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Manipur Christians: ‘The Violence Has Shattered Us’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Pride flag glimpsed on ‘The Chosen’ set prompts call for boycott

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Why Chick-fil-A Is Drawing Fire Over a ‘Culture of Belonging’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Survey: Drop in Eastern European antisemitism may be due to Zelenskyy effect

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Street scrolls: The beats, rhymes and spirituality of Latin hip-hop

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • ‘Felt like a year’: Worshipper describes fear during gunman’s deadly attack on Pittsburgh synagogue

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Near the Western Wall, Jewish radicals shout at Christian Evangelicals to ‘go home’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Playing a religious character without making faith the punchline

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Jewish settlers erect religious school in evacuated West Bank outpost after Israel repeals ban

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • How the practice of Nichiren Buddhism sustained Tina Turner for 50 years

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Connecticut lawmakers absolve accused colonial-era witches, apologize for “miscarriage of justice”

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • ‘Avatar’ Franchise Expands Ideas About Spirituality Beyond A Western, Christian Lens

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Catholic Church in California grapples with more than 3,000 lawsuits, alleging child sex abuse

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Canadian Christians Launch Collective for Climate Action

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • As ‘The Marvelous Mrs Maisel’ ends, will its Jewish legacy be more than a punchline?

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • US Slavic Churches Booming with Ukrainian War Refugees

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • What is ‘ethical AI’ and how can companies achieve it?

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Russia acknowledges Vatican peace initiative, says no steps yet for a mission to Moscow

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • What we need to understand is that fascism is intersectional and erotic — ’thy rod is thy gun,’ with a hip-thrust

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Our Beloved Ones Don’t Become Angels When They Die

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Turkey’s Christian Sites: Visiting The Seven Churches From The Book Of Revelation

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Firewalkers in Greece honor Saint Constantine in mystery-shrouded, centuries-old rituals

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • In fight against ‘tyranny,’ Michigan board declares itself ‘constitutional county’

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    • Montana acts to protect Native American priority in adopting Native children

      Curated

      Exclude from home pageBNG staff

    Conversations that Matter.

    © 2023 Baptist News Global. All rights reserved.

    Want to share a story? We hope you will! Read our republishing, terms of use and privacy policies here.

    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Instagram
    • LinkedIn
    • RSS