When I was little I hated getting in trouble. I really hated it. It wasn’t so much the possibility of punishment as it was the feeling of tension, knowing I was at odds with my parents or someone else. In reality, the confrontation never amounted to much. It may have been uncomfortable. I may have had to face some reality I didn’t want to face. But in the end, I learned a lesson and mom and dad still loved me and life went on.
As an adult, I have found conflict sometimes feels the same way. It is often the lead up to facing the situation that is most painful and scary and this can make us want to avoid it at all costs. The unknown resolution is so uncomfortable it feels easier not to have the conversation at all.
Lisa Cole Smith
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But what I have learned, as I’m sure most of us have, is that we usually benefit from a good, open, honest conversation where all parties are respectful and prayerful. From the conflict comes a deeper understanding of one another. Sometimes we walk away more convinced of our original position but with a greater understanding and sensitivity to others, allowing us a more nuanced and deeper conviction.
Many times, we even learn things we didn’t know. We learn to see things from others’ perspectives and face the flaws in our own thinking. Much of the time it is possible to walk away from conflict not compromising our convictions, but with new solutions, stronger relationships and stronger communities. Even when the conflict ends with a parting of ways, having had the conversation makes it clearer where each party stands and why, and allows parting to happen cleanly and respectfully.
I’m sad we missed this opportunity as Virginia Baptists and I can’t quite reconcile the decision in my heart. I feel like this was an opportunity for the Baptist General Association of Virginia to boldly go forward in a year of prayer to ask the Holy Spirit how we are to love one another as churches and as Christians when we disagree profoundly on interpretation of Scripture. It was an opportunity to be an example to other churches and denominations facing these same issues — to pray and discuss together rather than argue and divide.
It was an opportunity to have bold faith that Jesus has something to say on this matter and has something to say to us about how to face these challenges in our churches. It could have been an opportunity to create a series of questions for churches to ask together to determine how they will maintain the integrity of their beliefs and then find ways to actively love the gay people in their church and neighborhood. Instead we chose to merely affirm beliefs and hope the conflict will go away.
Why would pastors and religious leaders I deeply respect stand up and advocate not to discuss something, especially something as challenging and of our day as this? It is clear to me from responses to the decision that some people already have deep-rooted convictions when it comes to sin and homosexuality, but many more people have nuanced and intelligent questions.
How would it be detrimental to prayerfully search together for meaningful responses?
The reality is that just believing homosexuality is wrong will not make it go away. And many churches will have to wrestle with these questions over the next couple of years as we continue to minister in our communities. Now, it seems we will have to wrestle alone and in isolation for fear of rejection by our brothers and sisters.
I think the real question raised was not about right and wrong but about how we are going love our neighbor. How are we going to love our gay neighbor? And how will we relate to churches which choose to love them in a way that is more inclusive? Would we really rather kick people out first and ask questions later?
A couple of weeks ago I wrote an article about facing the reality of difficult situations and believing we have the tools to do so instead of living in denial and fear. I firmly believe that we do have the tools to face these tough questions and speak to our culture in loving and meaningful ways. But I can’t see the BGAV’s decision as an affirmation of that faith.
Regardless of what the Bible does or does not say about homosexuality, Jesus very clearly tells us to love our neighbor and even our enemy. We are going to have to figure this out sooner or later and I’m afraid we missed an opportunity to get out ahead of the conflict. I’m afraid we may have missed the forest for the trees.
Lisa Cole Smith (lsmith@convergenceccf.net) is pastor of Convergence: A Creative Community of Faith, a Baptist congregation in Alexandria, Va. She is a trustee of the Religious Herald.