Have you seen this post: “Selfish people rarely recognize how selfish they are. If you think this is about someone else, you’re the one in denial”?
We believe the world would be a better place if everyone thought like we do. We judge others’ opinions by how close they are to our own. We are not above saying bad things about others to make ourselves look good.
Most of us enjoy talking more than listening, although we do like hearing a good compliment. We are good at seeing other people’s responsibilities and not as good at recognizing other people’s feelings.
Brett Younger
We are hypersensitive when someone insults us and not nearly so sensitive when we throw shade. We are jealous of others’ good fortune. We think about ourselves a lot.
Our culture prioritizes self-care, self-actualization and self-fulfillment. David Brooks uses the term “The Big Me” to describe our focus on self-expression and individual achievement. Some of our role models say the only way to succeed is by being self-centered.
No less an authority than Michael Jordan declares, “You have to be selfish or you’ll never achieve anything.”
We are encouraged to be self-centered, self-involved and self-absorbed. Our institutions want us to be preoccupied with ourselves.
Capitalism encourages private wealth. The culture tells us to focus on our careers and income.
Family life has a greater focus on the individual than ever before. We value independence, but it comes with a cost. We live farther away from relatives than previous generations. We go where our jobs take us.
Our educational system pushes us to reach the highest level we can achieve for the best possible job. Education has shifted from the question, “How can we make the world a better place?” to “How can I make more money with this degree?”
Our health care systems are increasingly selfish. Some societies consider health care a universal right that government policies support. Ours is not one of those. We expect people to fend for themselves.
“We have ample evidence that being selfish and happy at the same time is next to impossible.”
Our legal system is built on economic means. Poor people are far more vulnerable. Bail for the poor is often higher. The poor have to rely on overworked public defenders with huge caseloads.
We might think faith communities would create resistance to selfishness, but congregations also stress the importance of individual choices. Even faith groups are susceptible to the idea that we are on our own.
The American way is pursuing individual dreams. It doesn’t work.
We have ample evidence that being selfish and happy at the same time is next to impossible. Focusing solely on our feelings keeps us from enjoying others.
The psychiatrist Erich Fromm writes, “Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.”
Selfishness gets us a lot of things, but joy is not one of them.
In one of those stories on Facebook that we can only hope is true, a Greek Orthodox bishop is teaching a class at Yale on the importance of the Nicene-Constantinopolitan Creed of 381.
A student asks, “What do you do when you can’t say the creed?”
The bishop responds, “You just say it. Eventually you’ll learn it.”
The student, frustrated, responds: “But what do you do when you don’t really believe certain parts, like the virgin birth?”
The bishop again responds, “Well, you just say them, especially the difficult parts. Eventually it will come to you.”
Now really exasperated, the student demands: “How can I profess a creed I don’t really believe in?”
The priest asks, “How old are you?”
“The happiest people understand they are not the center of the world.”
“I’m 21.”
The bishop responds with a lovely rebuke to self-importance and narcissism that is out of step with the way we think.
He says: “Nobody knows or understands anything at 21. You need to understand it is not your creed. It is not about your personal beliefs. It is about our shared beliefs.”
I am not exactly sure how I feel about that answer, but the happiest people understand they are not the center of the world. We do better when we make room for ideas that are not ours.
We become better people when we ask better questions: What’s it like to be your child? What’s it like to be your parent? What’s it like to be your minister?
What’s it like to be 13? What’s it like to be 83? What’s it like to be a widow whose husband of 50 years just died?
What’s it like to be 100% certain Donald Trump should be president? What’s it like to be 100% certain anyone else would be a better president?
What’s it like to be Jewish? What’s it like to be Iranian?
What’s it like to be your neighbor? What’s it like to be your enemy?
A holy curiosity gets us past our selfishness. We listen.
Unselfishness could have a moment.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.