Since 2004, a million people have shared their secrets on PostSecret.com. The secret can be a fear, regret, betrayal, confession or humiliation. These anonymous secrets have to be true and must never have been shared with anyone. The secrets include the humorous and heart-breaking:
In high school, I was so desperate for a boyfriend I dated a guy who went to a Star Wars convention. And he dumped me.
I only let the drivers of other German luxury cars merge. Sometimes the occasional Acura.
Brett Younger
Even vegetarians think of meat from time to time. I know I do.
I snoop when he’s asleep.
I’m a doctor, well-respected, married with two kids and so lonely the highlight of my love life is when the drive thru guy calls me, “Honey.”
I can’t stand my stepmother.
I was seven years old the first time I attempted suicide.
I had an affair. We stopped before we got caught. I miss her every day.
A million people posting their secrets on a website suggests we are not good at talking to one another. Some of our secrets should be kept secret, but many would be less painful if we shared them. We don’t know what to do with mistakes we have made and things we wish we did not feel.
Roman Catholics go to confession. Protestants confess in worship, but we only give people 60 seconds. New Yorkers have therapists. We need to talk more.
Parents constantly tell their children, “Use your words.” The idea is to encourage communication and the ability to articulate one’s needs. Be assertive. Speak up. We don’t prioritize listening in the same way. We don’t hear, “Use your ears,” nearly so often. We do not give some people much of a chance.
“A million people posting their secrets on a website suggests we are not good at talking to one another.”
We are increasingly distrustful. When asked, “Do you trust your neighbor?” 60% of Boomers say, “Yes.” Only 19% of Millennials say they trust their neighbor. And 72% of millennials agree with the statement, “People are selfish and out to get you.”
We think some people are selfish and out to get us. We do not talk to some, because we see them as one thing. We don’t recognize their individuality. We see Americans or foreigners, liberals or conservatives, or rich or poor. We limit what we say to superficialities. We don’t talk much to some fellow human beings who are made from the same basic stuff as we are, molded in the same divine image.
We let our feelings keep us from really hearing one another. Our commitment to our own ideas keeps us from listening. We treat our opinions as if they are perfect. If someone puts down our ideas, we aren’t going to be their friends. We will not be listening to them. We are not as good at conversation as we would like to think.
Our days are filled with amazing people. The best way to live is with curiosity about who they are. Fascinating people with fascinating jobs, fascinating families and fascinating stories surround us. We can hear something surprising, something bizarre. We just have to stay awake.
We could use more humility in our conversations. We are incapable of fully understanding anyone. People are complex. Everyone is unique. We should decide not to let our views be more important than other people. We can keep holding our opinions, but if we disqualify everyone who does not think exactly what we think, we are going to be lonely.
Curiosity is the way we get there. We learn to ask better questions: What do you most enjoy? What’s interesting to you these days? How is your life different than you expected?
Talk to people about their worst days and their best days. Pay attention. Keep an open mind. Withhold judgment. Collect good stories.
Listen for new ideas, perspectives and possibilities. Do not assume we understand more than we do. Be present, generous and interested.
The comedian Steve Martin talks about a dream he had:
I dreamed a woman took me to an open grassy field to show me my own grave. The grave was open and there was a skeleton lying there, my skeleton, and the skeleton had a big smile on its face. I turned to the woman and said, ‘Does this mean it’s possible to die happy?’
She said, “Yes, it is.”
I said, “What do I need in order to die happy?”
She said, “Adventure.”
I said, “You mean like seeing waterfalls and touring the world?”
She said, “No. People.”
We should pay attention to the fascinating people who will make us happy.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.