Liberal ministers in New York do not preach on adultery — unless they start a series on the Ten Commandments without thinking ahead. I did not think ahead.
Preachers find it awkward to preach about infidelity, because the church often has embarrassed itself with its prurient interest in sex. Since St. Augustine, the church frequently has deserved its reputation for being against sex. Among the great variety of acts of immorality, sexual immorality often was first on the list, if not in a special category. Churches used to give the impression that this sin is the one that marks you for life. It is a sign of progress that the ushers no longer pass out scarlet letters.
Brett Younger
The realistic approach is to downsize the Decalogue. This rule seems old-fashioned because our society is understandably reluctant to make judgments about sexual behavior. Between 20% and 25% of married men cheat, and between 10% and 15% of married women cheat.
Rates of cheating have not changed much in the past few decades, but attitudes have changed — although not in the direction we might guess. People disapprove of infidelity more now than they did a few decades ago, because our views about marriage have changed.
Surveys from the 1970s suggest it was more common for people to accept that their spouse cheated. They did not assume their partner would be their best friend, confidante and an amazing lover. Many now expect to get everything from a relationship with a spouse and so are more likely to get angry at affairs.
In 15 states, adultery is still a crime, although in 12 it is a petty offense or a misdemeanor. The maximum punishment in Maryland is a $10 fine. If they raised the fine and enforced the law, they could get rid of their state income tax.
If this commandment seems unrealistic it is, in part, because for a long time our society had an unrealistic view of marriage. For decades, almost every married couple on television was happily married. People who went through the horrible pain of divorce had the additional pain of being ostracized, because they had not held up the illusion of married people living happily ever after.
The truth is that marriage is hard and complicated. People get married for the wrong reasons. They marry the wrong people. They become the wrong people. Couples get bored, lonely and angry. The excitement does not last.
“Love after 40 years is the miracle.”
Scientists tell us what we call “falling in love” can be attributed to the presence in the body of a drug called phenylethylamine, a natural amphetamine. The problem is that we build up a tolerance for this chemical in two to four years. Love at first sight is easy to understand. Love after 40 years is the miracle.
Divorce rates peaked in the early 1980s and have been decreasing since then. Current trends suggest only a third of today’s marriages will end in divorce. At the same time, Psychology Today says six of 10 couples that stay together are unhappy.
The pendulum has swung. Our society, which used to have an unrealistic view of marriage, now has an unrealistic view of adultery. Stories of perfect families that live happily ever after have been replaced by new fairy tales with sizzling, fiery affairs. Think Marriage Story, Brokeback Mountain, Fatal Attraction, Gone Girl, The Descendants, Crazy Stupid Love, Silver Linings Playbook and Unfaithful.
The typical person who gets involved in adultery is in search of the magic they have been told is out there, somewhere. The new view of adultery is no more real than the old view of marriage. There are, of course, people who commit adultery and never look back, but that is not usually the case.
Of the 10% who marry the one for whom they break up their marriage, about 70% get another divorce. Partners in an affair who go through a divorce to be together are twice as likely to end up in another divorce than marriages that did not start with an affair.
Those who say what goes on in our bedrooms is nobody’s business are naïve. Sex with another’s partner unleashes forces that threaten to destroy part of the world.
We need to remember that sex is God’s idea. God came up with sex for procreation, communication and connection. God created sex with its wonder, oddness and fun. God blessed our sexuality, warned us of its immense power and told us how best to enjoy it.
“The problem in our sex-saturated society is not that we talk too much about sex, but that we talk about it so superficially.”
The problem in our sex-saturated society is not that we talk too much about sex, but that we talk about it so superficially. Our culture misses the sacred nature of a genuine commitment.
A couple is experiencing conflict. They fight over money, time and what the fights are about. They had been deeply in love, but they are not as young as they once were. Their hearts do not race when they see each other. So many things fill up the time they used to give to loving each other. They know they are heading in the wrong direction.
Then one day while the children are at school, they have lunch together. There sitting in a restaurant they have a conversation that makes their quarrels seem less important. They still have problems, but they begin to believe again.
The wife holds up her glass for a toast and says, “In spite of everything.”
We can put our heart and soul into our relationships. We can choose not to behave in ways that bring pain to the people we love. We can understand that there is nothing casual about God’s good gift of sex.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.