LOUISVILLE, Ky. (ABP) — A Boyce College instructor told women at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary that a bad marriage is "not an excuse for sin," and in a worst-case scenario a submissive wife might be forced to "suffer wrong."
"In a relationship crisis, sometimes our instincts are exactly wrong," Heath Lambert, instructor of biblical counseling and department coordinator of biblical counseling, told seminary wives and female students at a Pendergraph Women's Ministry conference on the seminary campus in Louisville, Ky.
Lambert
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"Sometimes when we are horribly mistreated by a spouse, by your husband, your flesh screams to get mad, get even or just get out — I just want to get out of this thing. I'm going to leave," he said.
But the former associate and senior pastor at churches in Kentucky and North Carolina counseled that barring physical danger, even a worst-case-scenario relationship crisis "is not an excuse for sin."
Lambert's comments were part of an Oct. 27 presentation on relationships promoted with: "In the days of no-fault divorce and socially acceptable bad dating relationships, how do we strive to honor God in our relationships?"
Lambert said being submissive does not mean that a wife cannot confront her husband's sin, but it doesn't have to be "in a nagging, unloving, unsubmissive way."
If efforts to engage the husband do not work, he said a wife in a crisis relationship should turn to her church.
"You need people to evaluate if you are safe, if you are safe from violence in the case of abuse, if you're safe from disease in the case of adultery," he said. "You need people to help you do that."
If the husband persists in acting "like an unbeliever" after others have gotten involved, he said, "as long as you are safe, eventually you have to adopt what I'm calling the Sarah principle." It is taken from I Peter 3:6, where the Old Testament patriarch is mentioned as an example of husbands won over by good conduct of their wife.
Lambert called it a model of last resort.
"The first step is not, 'Well, I'll just take it. I'll just take bad treatment,'" he said. "It's never the step to endure a dangerous situation, to endure a situation where you are being abused and hurt. You need to get help immediately in that situation."
After engaging and getting help, he said, "Only then are you willing to suffer wrong."
Lambert said relationships can be difficult and marriages can be very painful. In those cases, he said, Christians have a responsibility to "draw near to God" and to "honor Christ and obey his Word."
"In our relationships, God doesn't promise us a pain-free life," Lambert said. "He doesn't promise us pain-free relationships. In fact he promises the opposite. Jesus says this world will give us trouble, but when the worst-case scenario of relationships comes along, it's going to hurt. There's going to be pain, but God wants to use that to make you more like his son."
Earlier Lambert advised women in bad marriages to take responsibility for their own sin before putting the blame solely on their husband.
"Now, we've got to be very careful here," Lambert said. "It's possible that in a relationship crisis — in fact it's more than possible, it's probable — that your sin has something to do with the crisis."
Lambert said a woman is not responsible for her husband's sin against her, "but we do live in a world where sinful people influence sinful people."
"My sin is never responsible for your sin, but my sin can create a context for your sin," he said. "My sin can tempt, can woo and can entice you to sin, and I may need to take responsibility for that, and you might need to take responsibility for that."
He said that while it is possible in a "worst-case scenario" for a wife to do nothing to contribute to her husband's sin, "I can tell you this: I have never in my life — whether as a pastor, as a counselor or just as a human being that knows people — I have never met a victimized spouse who responded perfectly to their spouse's sin against them, who's always been righteous in their response, who's never sinned in their response to the sin of the spouse. I've never met that person."
Pendergraph Women's Ministry was established in 1984 by the widow of a former student for fellowship and sharing common concerns for seminary wives. It was expanded to include female students in 1995.
Boyce College, Southern Seminary's baccalaureate arm, has been offering bachelor's degrees since 1998.
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Bob Allen is senior writer for Associated Baptist Press.