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Some days ago, my daughter and I discussed an invitation I had received to teach a summer class at a Northeast Ivy League school. I told her: “If I had accepted the invitation to teach, my flight would have been today. I am so glad I said ‘no.’ I just cannot imagine leaving home again for two weeks.”
Of course, it was hard to say “no.” This class represented a great opportunity to teach in that particular school, to spend two weeks in that area, and to visit some friends. When I shared this invitation with one of my colleagues from work, sensing the opportunity, too, she was surprised that I had said “no.”
This experience prompted me to reflect on my life-long interactions with the word “no.”
As a Christian Mexican woman, I was taught that you do not say “no.” I come from a family of strong Baptist women who loved to attend WMU meetings. So as a little girl, they made sure that I participated in my age appropriate Girls in Action events. These were formative years in which I was surrounded by women teachers/counselors who were wise, loving and strong, too. One of the favorite biblical stories that I heard repeatedly during those years was the one of Esther.
Of course, the speakers always praised Esther because she was wise, brave and beautiful, too. Her counterpart was Queen Vashti who was also beautiful and brave, but her problem was that she dared to challenge the King by saying “no” to his commandment to appear before his friends. Due to this action, Queen Vashti received a punishment: removal of her position as queen.
In an implicit way, these narratives taught me that saying “no” was wrong. If I said “no” then I could be punished as Queen Vashti. I must confess that I do not recall anybody telling me this openly. This is how I interpreted the narrative through the eyes of my culture and gender. I had heard this story many times that I felt I knew it by memory. Thus, during my late teens and early 20s, I do not remember making any special effort to study it again.
I had a reencounter with the story during my seminary years. Dr. Elouise Renich Fraser, professor of systematic theology as well as contemporary and women’s theologies, decided to preach a series of sermons on the book of Esther during chapel. Every semester I eagerly waited for her turn to preach. In fact, I eagerly waited for any opportunity to listen to and learn from her. For instance, after I had taken all of the classes that she offered, I decided to enroll in her feminist theology class for a second time. It was not that I had failed the first time around (I got an “A” both times), it was that I marveled at her lectures and teachings.
The second time that I took the class I did so as an independent study. I requested that a part of the class requirements be to attend all of the lectures and class discussions. In fact, her teaching and modeling became so significant in my life that I decided to become a theologian, too.
In her opening sermon on the book of Esther, Dr. Fraser preached about the use of the word “no.” I had always heard that Queen Vashti was disrespectful and disobedient because she said “no” to the king, but this alternative interpretation mentioned that perhaps she said “no” as a matter of survival. The king and his friends had been drinking for days, and it seemed that the king wanted to put her on display before all these drunken men. Maybe she knew that she was going to be harassed and she feared for her safety (Esther 1:1-12).
After learning about her refusal to obey, the king became enraged, and asked his sages for advice. These men decided that she needed to be removed from her position as queen. For the first time, I became truly aware of the underlying reason: the men feared that following her example, all of the women would rebel against their husbands (Esther 1:13-22). Thus, regardless of the validity of Vashti’s reasons to challenge the king’s order, she had to be punished.
Dr. Fraser continued by challenging the audience to reflect on our interactions with the word “no.” When we say “no”, and when others say “no” to us. Finally, she invited us to ponder God’s “no” and to accept it with trust and humility, recognizing that God knows best. It was a wonderful sermon, indeed!
While it is true that saying “no” may be risky, and may bring unexpected consequences, learning to say “no” is very important. It will help us to set healthy boundaries and to avoid draining and/or abusive personal, professional, or ministerial relationships.
Saying “no” is hard for any person; however, it is much more complex for ministers. Since ministry is about doing God’s work, saying “no” to a ministry opportunity often may feel like saying “no” to God. Here is a must to ask: Why am I doing what I am doing? Am I pleasing God with my actions or someone else? Can someone else do it? Internal reasons to continue saying “yes” to the point of ministerial burn out may include: power and control issues, an urge to feel needed or indispensable, or a messianic complex where the minister feels that he/she has to save the world.
If saying “no” is important, the way that we say “no” is equally as important.
My good friend and colleague Zoricelis Davila, Latina Leadership Institute faculty, teaches that “no” is a complete sentence. How come? Of course, grammatically speaking this is untrue. However, what she means is that often we should say “no” without giving unnecessary explanations that could be turned against us.
While I still believe that saying or listening to a “no” is hard, I am clear about what I have gained by using and accepting the word “no.” I have gained a more balanced life, a sense of agency, an opportunity to regroup, an escape from toxic relationships, and a sense of respecting God’s will for my life.
Now, I recognize that as a minority woman, sometimes I may hear “no’s” simply due to the fact that I am a Latina. It is important to recognize these “no’s” and their discriminatory character, and challenge them.
As persons created in God’s image, and following God’s example, we must remember that sometimes it is beneficial to use the word “no.” However, saying and receiving a “no,” requires wisdom and discernment. It is hard work, but it is worth it. May God grant us the courage and wisdom to say and receive the word “no” at the appropriate times and circumstances. Amen!