Someone posted this question on Reddit: “What’s the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to you?”
You might be surprised by how many were willing to reopen deep wounds by sharing the harshest words they have received.
One woman wrote: “When I was younger, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My siblings and I shaved our heads to support her. This one kid told me, ‘I hope your mom dies, because you look like you were in the Holocaust.’ My mom has been cancer free for 13 years, but I still despise that kid.”
Brett Younger
An older man shared his story: “I have a daughter with a complicated illness. I almost lost her to it twice when she was almost 3 and again 6 months later. In-between, this was 15 years ago, I broke down and wept, being so worried about her and also how distant my wife had become from me as well. After I settled down, my wife told me that me crying like that had made me less attractive. My daughter is stable now and I’ve been divorced for several years.”
An older woman offered this painful memory: “My mom once said to me, ‘I love you. You’re my daughter. But I don’t like you. I would never seek you out as a friend.’ I was 21 and it was 40 years ago. I will never get over that. It hurt so much.”
A mother responded to this difficult question: “My first kid has Down Syndrome. A lady at work asked me when I was pregnant for number two if I would do prenatal testing this time around so I could get rid of it if it turns out like the first one. Exact words. Geez, I hate her.”
“On the internet, meanness makes dull people think they are witty rather than just cruel.”
One woman was quick with her own mean response: “My dad once said he wished he was working late the night I was conceived. I told him my mom said, ‘He was.’”
On the internet, meanness makes dull people think they are witty rather than just cruel. Cyberbullying is making teenagers more susceptible to depression and suicidal behavior. Nobody is safe.
One of our finest poets, Taylor Swift, writes:
You have pointed out my flaws again
as if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
trying to block you out
’cause I’ll never impress you.
I just wanna feel OK again.
Why you gotta be so mean?
When I was in the fourth grade, Central Elementary School served healthy, tasteless cafeteria food. Candy was forbidden, which meant the children of uninvolved parents were the ones with pockets full of illegal red hots and sugar babies. This led my entrepreneurial self to an ingenious plan. I would buy a dollar’s worth of Now and Laters — tiny, tasty, sugary treats. (They came up with the clever because you can eat a few now and still have a few for later.) I would sell my dollar’s worth for two dollars every morning — 100% profit. They came in packs of five for a nickel. I could fit 20 packs in my lunchbox.
I got to school early when everyone was on the playground. I told a few kids I knew would be receptive and then waited for others to give me a look that said, “I know you got the stuff. Let’s go behind the gym and make a deal.”
I was almost through my stock when Tony Garner grabbed a pack and said, “Here’s a nickel.”
I said, “It’s a dime.”
He said, “They cost a nickel. Here’s a nickel.”
I tried to explain economic theory to Tony: “I could get in trouble. It’s a dime.”
Tony was a year too old to be in the fifth grade. He had a moustache. He was always in trouble. I took his nickel, and something inside me died a little. The bully had won.
Bruce Plunkett also was bigger than me, but he was a nice guy and not a threat.
Bruce said, “I only have a nickel. Can I have half a pack?”
I lunged at Bruce with misplaced fury. I never had been in a fight. We rolled over in the dirt a couple of times. Neither one of us did any damage. The bell rang and everyone, including Bruce and me, ran inside.
I remember thinking, “What just happened? When did I become one of the bad guys? Why did I start a fight?”
“Hurt people hurt others to make themselves feel strong.”
Most of us have done that. Someone hurts our feelings and we hurt someone else. Many of the meanest people are mean because they feel put down. Hurt people hurt others to make themselves feel strong.
Disagreeable people may achieve short-term gains, but it is not worth it. Meanness begins with insecurity and becomes bitterness. Harry Emerson Fosdick points out, “Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.”
When we recognize that meanness does not really work, it makes a difference for us. We do not have to let mean people make us feel bad. We keep hoping mean people will change, but we understand it does not always happen.
Taylor Swift again:
I’ll bet you got pushed around.
Somebody made you cold
but the cycle ends right now
’cause you can’t lead me down that road.
And you don’t know what you don’t know.
All you’re ever gonna be is mean.
We can practice empathy without excusing bad behavior. We can forgive mean people not for what they do, but for who they are. We do not expect remorse if it is not in their toolbox. We do expect that our forgiveness will change who we are.
Neuroscientists support this Christian truth. Forgiveness is good for us. Researchers conducting fMRI brain studies have discovered when we simply imagine forgiving a grievance — without even informing the transgressor — we deactivate our brain’s pain network (the anterior insula), stopping the pain of the grievance. Forgiveness shuts down the nucleus accumbens and dorsal striatum. This stops the desire for revenge. Forgiveness activates our prefrontal cortex, restoring self-control so we make better decisions.
Scientific evidence supports Jesus’ ideas about forgiveness as a form of self-healing that benefits victims, not perpetrators. We can forgive without accepting what has happened to us. We are not at the mercy of mean people. God’s kind of forgiveness frees us from the need to please people who will not be pleased.
Brett Younger serves as senior minister at Plymouth Church in Brooklyn, N.Y.