The euphemistic words of Ecclesiastes, “there is a time for everything… a time to ‘scatter stones’ and a time to ‘gather stones,’” were the text for my June 30 sermon, which included these words from the unambiguously crass and shamelessly reverent Lutheran pastor, Nadia Bolz-Weber:
“Sex can be warm, but it can also be chilling. Sex can bring connection and also alienation. Sex can provide insight but sometimes confusion. Sex can empower but sometimes humiliate. And we can teach our kids that every single one of these things as possible in and out of marriage. In straight and in queer relationships. In the young and in the old. Sex shines and flickers, and it rages, lights, warms, and burns.”
Someone may have been offended by my use of her word “queer” from the pulpit. It is a word that still rubs me wrong, but many of our gay friends have claimed it, so “LGBTQ” is now the appropriate, affirming standard. If anyone was offended, however, they have not said so.
“Of all people, we who believe in a God made known through incarnate love ought to be able to talk about and teach and celebrate the manifestations of God’s goodness, incarnate in all five senses.”
I began the sermon with a review of the previous week, which I had spent mostly on an old school bus, windows down, hot, Cuban air creating a vortex of Caribbean humidity and chaos as 18 of us rattled across the land of Fidel’s revolution. With the beautiful sensuality of Cuba coming into view out the front windows and all the sweaty back seats occupied by teenagers – 11 volcanoes of sexual energy, always on the verge of exploding – I passed the rough-shod miles by reading two books about sex, which, along with the Cuban experience, provided a strangely appropriate preparation for the coming Sunday.
James B. Nelson’s Embodiment is a classic, and Bolz-Weber’s Shameless: A Sexual Reformation is an appropriate companion volume. After the sermonic introduction, from Cuba with love, I reminded my congregation that sex is an oddly uncomfortable topic for church. (Hence, a couple thousand years of euphemistic vocabulary.) But we ought to know better. Of all people, we who believe in a God made known through incarnate love ought to be able to talk about and teach and celebrate the manifestations of God’s goodness, incarnate in all five senses.
I reminded an unusually rapt audience that Paul, while celibate and single, also exhorted “scattering” and “gathering”: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband…. Do not deprive one another except perhaps by agreement for a set time, to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again” (1 Corinthians 7:1-7).
Good sex is good for marriage, and unless couples mutually agree that a short season of waiting would add to the wonder, then partners ought to let passions run their course, remembering that your body is not your own. As Paul says, when we become “one flesh” (Mark 10:8) we give that authority to our partner.
The subject of marriage is always appropriate for the Church, marriage being the first institution and a stronghold for a healthy society. We need strong marriages, unions built on faithfulness and trust and wholeness: emotional, spiritual and sexual wholeness. But Nelson’s book includes a discussion of the evolution of marriage (from aristocracy to bourgeoisie, from political alliance to falling in love), the corresponding evolution of Christian attitudes toward marriage and the changing biblical understandings of sex and marriage.
It becomes clear that the simplistic definition of “biblical marriage” so loudly promoted by the Religious Right does not exist in reality. Polygamy is easier to find in the Bible than “one man, one woman.” And, after a careful analysis of the relevant Hebrew and Greek words, any clear and explicit prohibition of “pre-marital sex” is also a stretch – even though I, among many, was raised to believe “Thou shalt not have sex before marriage” was one of the 10 Commandments!
“Good sex is good for marriage.”
The Church ought to encourage and build up marriage, but we ought also to have the courage to ask honestly if all sex outside of marriage, and if any other forms of sexual expression, are outside of God’s intentions. Is all sex, except sex within a traditional marriage, exempt from the blessing of God? What about younger couples who do not choose that traditional path? What about older and aging couples who forsake marriage vows, sometimes for financial considerations? What about gay couples?
Are these all outside the bounds of God’s grace and blessing?
While my personal experience leads me still to appreciate the traditional path of abstinence, marriage and monogamy, truth is never a matter of “my” experience. The direction of the sermon relied on my experience, but also the wisdom of the academy and the testimony of others, and an interpretation of Hebrew and Christian scriptures based on the continuing revelation of God, ever true but never static.
While upholding the goodness of marriage, maybe it’s time the Church dismissed the legalism of “marriage only” in favor of true, loving relationships that are consummated not in following the letter of the law, but with the spirit of living principles – commitment, communication, trust, respect and a deep and true spirituality.
“The simplistic definition of ‘biblical marriage’ so loudly promoted by the Religious Right does not exist in reality.”
It would not be surprising in most Baptist churches, and especially Park Road Baptist in Charlotte, for strong differences of opinion to be expressed, even to the preacher. However, if anyone was offended by my non-traditional pastoral guidance, they have not said so. In fact, the appreciation for something other than the sanctimonious legalism of “don’t do it” has been a bit overwhelming.
Parents of children and teens were grateful for the acknowledgement of an honest reality. A gay couple told me how grateful they are for a church where they know they are welcomed and affirmed. One older woman said, “I wish I’d heard that when I was trying to figure out the world.” An older man said, “Teenagers aren’t the only ones trying to figure their sexuality! I needed to hear that.”
There is a time to “scatter stones” and to “gather stones.” It makes the world go ‘round! Given the studies that show the ineffectiveness and failures of abstinence-only education, however, and the continued sexual abuse in and by the Church, perhaps there’s also a time for the Church to reconsider its approach to sex education.
The response from one church to one Sunday sermon suggests that perhaps the time is now.
Related articles from BNG’s archives:
NEWS | Marriage: the state of our unions | First in a 3-part series by Greg Warner
NEWS | What’s love got to do with it? | Part 2
NEWS | The ethics of love and justice in the era of cohabitation | Part 3
OPINION | Miguel de la Torre | ‘Biblical’ marriage unmasked and Marriage in the New Testament
