While surfing radio stations during my commute home, the voice of a preacher caught my attention. I turned the volume up and realized that he was preaching a sermon about women: “I know it is overwhelming to be a woman, with all the responsibilities of children, work, home, outside activities….”
Figuring I haven’t heard enough sermons in my lifetime from male pastors telling me how to be a woman (insert eyeroll here), I left it on the station to hear what this man had to say to my gender: “Now, women, if your husband isn’t in the spiritual place he needs to be, it’s your responsibility to pray for him.”
He continued: “I know all you have to do gets overwhelming at times, but you must remember that your No. 1 priority is your husband. Every day, he is surrounded by women who look beautiful and who smell good. And, women, men are visual. We can’t help it. God made us visual. So, to be the wife you need to be for your husband, you need to prepare for him every evening before he gets home from work.
“Imagine back to when you were dating and you were trying to attract your husband. You wouldn’t have called and invited him over and met him at the door with your toothbrush in your mouth. Don’t do it now either. My wife is great at this. She puts on fresh makeup every evening before I get home, because she wants to prepare for me.”
His conclusion was worse: “Women, I want you to know that I will pray for you and your marriage and that you will focus on your husbands. Some of you are in really difficult marriages, and you just keep praying.”
“I’m tired of being silent.”
Embedded within his sermon and countless others preached like it from men all over the country are messages that reach deep into a woman’s soul and tear away at it. A woman who hears such messages from the pulpit may have a husband who is an alcoholic, gambles their money away and neglects their children, but she leaves the sanctuary believing it’s her “responsibility” to pray for this to be made right. What happens when this woman prays fervently for her husband but his behavior doesn’t change? Who will she blame? Herself, of course.
These words damage women.
Growing up in the Southern Baptist tradition, I drank the Kool-Aid by the gallon that if a man looked at me and lusted, it was my fault. Not the man’s fault. MY fault. It’s sinful to look too attractive, because you might lure a man’s eyes. The sugar rush is long gone, but the toxic effects of that Kool-Aid remain.
This pastor and others like him add to the confusion by reasoning that since men are visual and surrounded by beautiful women, then you, his wife, better spend some serious time in front of the mirror before he walks through the door with his briefcase. (That assumes, of course, the woman doesn’t work outside the home.) And disregard the fact that your baby may have puked on you six times today, the laundry baskets are overflowing and dinner is burning in the oven. Take a few minutes and put that makeup on. Why? Because this is your responsibility, woman of God. If you don’t, and your husband is lured away by one of those lovely women who smells so good, whose fault will that be? Yours, of course.
But the real clincher is in the concluding sentence. “Some of you are in really difficult marriages, and you just keep praying.” I hear this and I scream out to all women who are in abusive, neglectful, cruel marriages: “This is a lie! Our God is a God of love, and God does not want you to stay in this type of environment. It is NOT your fault, and it is NOT your ‘responsibility’ to fix your husband.”
“The women in our pews are thirsting to hear the biblical narrative preached through the feminine lens.”
This sermon will sound familiar to some and extreme to others. What isn’t extreme is the reality that the vast majority of our pulpits are filled every Sunday with male voices. My husband is a pastor and an excellent preacher, so this is not a rant against male pastors. Instead, it is a wakeup call. If we want to change the course of abuse in our churches, we must stop stripping our women of their voices. How can we expect women to speak up about what is happening to them behind the curtain when their experiences and wisdom are not validated from behind the pulpit?
I’m tired of being silent.
My Instagram feed in recent weeks has been brimming with photos of women preaching. These images make my heart swell with pride and challenge me to utilize my own voice. At the same time, they leave me with a heavy heart. February’s Martha Stearns Marshall Month of Preaching, sponsored by Baptist Women in Ministry, is a time when churches intentionally ask women to preach on a Sunday morning. I value this annual emphasis because, for many Baptist Christians, this will be their first experience hearing a woman preach, and this alone can change the path for all involved.
I am also saddened because for many it will be the only Sunday this happens. Inviting a woman to the pulpit for 20 minutes one Sunday in February is not enough. The women in our pews are thirsting to hear the biblical narrative preached through the feminine lens. (And, I would argue, so are many of the men.)
Who can do this? I’m raising my hand, and I’m waving at all those women who are filling my Instagram feed. We are Baptist women, and we are gifted preachers and teachers. Not to utilize our giftedness more than one Sunday a year is a travesty.
Somebody needs to offer a counterbalance to the man I heard preaching on the radio. A woman is the perfect preacher to take on that challenge.
